Regardless of their “grandparent style,” grandparents can be some of the most meaningful family members in a child’s life. They often provide a unique, warm love and care for their grandchild. Grandkids often remember how their grandparents showed up for them, the stories they told and the yummy smells and tastes enjoyed at their home.
However, even the most well-meaning grandparents can make mistakes. Habits that seem “innocent” and “good” can actually be harmful, child therapists say. If you’ve engaged in them without realizing the problem, don’t beat yourself up. You’re far from alone, and you can fix things.
Ahead, child therapists share key examples of “innocent” habits that they actually want you to stop, plus why each one is harmful and the adjustment they’d make.
While you might say a phrase like “this is our little secret” or “don’t tell mom” to promote closeness, it’s “one of the most dangerous habits,” according to Jillian Amodio, a licensed mental health professional at Waypoint Wellness Center and founder of Moms for Mental Health. Even if the “secret” is just about having dessert before dinner or staying up past bedtime.
“Encouraging secret-keeping about small things opens up the door for predators to exploit the trust of a child and encourage them to keep unsafe behaviors or interactions from their parents,” she explained.
Do this instead: Amodio suggested reframing treats and “rule-bending” with a phrase like, “I know at home, Mom and Dad say no dessert before dinner, but at Grandpa’s house, I like to eat my ice cream first, if you want to join me.”
Wanting a hug or kiss from your grandchild is definitely understandable. However, forcing it (and the underlying message that can send) is the problem — especially if the child is pulling away or hesitating.
“When a kid says ‘no’ with words or body language and an adult overrides that, the child learns their discomfort does not matter when adults or social politeness is involved,” said Cory Reid-Vanas, the founder of Rocky Mountain Counseling Collective. “It teaches them they can’t control their own physical boundary.”
In the long term, the child may feel anxious about or guilty after setting boundaries or hesitant to trust their gut. They may start to believe that their body isn’t theirs to control, which can make them susceptible to manipulation and grooming. “The message we are giving regarding boundaries should apply in every context, even with grandma or grandpa,” Reid-Vanas added.
Do this instead: To still show and receive some love, you can give the child options — such as a hug, a high-five or a wave — and respect their choice.
“Instead of saying ‘go hug Grandpa,’ let the kid decide what feels right,” Reid-Vanas said. “Reframe rejection as normal and not rude.”You can also ask, “Can I have a hug?” Again, be OK with them saying no sometimes (or every time).
Even if you don’t agree with what your adult child is implementing in their child’s life, respect it. “The most well-intentioned grandparents are guilty of undermining the parents’ authority,” said Caitlin Severin, a marriage and family therapist who specializes in working with teens and the co-founder of CultivaTeen Roots. “The intention might be to build rapport, encourage connection between the grandparent and child [or] be the ‘fun’ one, but it might do more damage than intended.”
This habit might look like rolling your eyes when the parent says it’s time to put the iPads away, for example, or saying, “I used to have a beer every Friday night with my dad when I was in high school” after a parent reminded the teen of their family rules about substances.
Dr. Alexandra Foglia, a marriage and family therapist and the director of family programs at All in Solutions, agreed. “From a family systems point of view, these actions put the child in the middle of two authority figures,” she explained. “This causes the child to learn that there may be times when rules change depending upon what adult is present at the moment.”
Do this instead: Get on the same page with the parents on family values and expectations. This can “go a long way,” according to Severin.
Both Severin and Foglia suggested creating special, separate opportunities for the grandparent and grandchild to “indulge” with the parents’ buy-in.
Foglia shared some examples, such as a pancake breakfast every Sunday, a weekly game, a silly bedtime story to read together or another shared experience. “This ultimately allows children to know that all of the adults who care about them are working towards the same goals for them,” she explained.
Even if you intend these comments as compliments, they can have harmful effects. Avoid saying things like “You’re looking very thin,” “You eat so well” or “You certainly have your momma’s legs.”
“This type of dialogue lets kids know that their bodies are being looked at and judged,” said Dr. Wildaliz Caro, a licensed clinical psychologist and medical contributor at The Healing Center Cherry Hill. “Repeated body-obsessive comments may lead to self-shame, comparison and [an] unhealthy obsession over food and appearance.”
Do this instead: Rather than commenting on how their body looks, Caro recommended focusing on what they’re doing, learning, creating or enjoying. Tell them they’re funny, kind, curious, inclusive or persistent. “Children should be able to come sit at a grandparent’s table without thinking they’re grading both their plate and body,” she added.
When your grandchild is shy, it’s understandable that you may want to speak on their behalf to ease their anxiety or to continue the conversation. However, this isn’t helpful long-term.
“When grandparents frequently speak on behalf of their grandchildren, this can result in children being given less opportunity to develop the ability to communicate their own wants or needs by responding to questions and engaging in conversation with others,” explained Dr. Max Doshay, a licensed psychologist and the co-founder and chief executive officer at KMN Psych.
Do this instead: You can help in other ways. He encouraged giving the child additional time to respond and supporting communication development. This tells the child that their thoughts are important and you believe in them.
Again, if you’ve made these “mistakes,” try to not get too down on yourself — just be more mindful next time. Maya Angelou said it best: “I did then what I knew how to do. Now that I know better, I do better.”
This article originally appeared on HuffPost.
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