Estimated reading time: 16 minutes

Dear Dr. NerdLove:

“Brock” (male, mid-30s) and I (female, mid-20s) have been dating between 9 and 10 months, after matching through an app. By “dating” I mean going out and sleeping over at least one night most weekends, and sometimes during the week. When we’re apart we don’t talk or text a lot, but we exchange brief texts about every other night on average. We have gone on two weekend mini-vacations together, which he paid for, and he’s given me some very nice gifts. On our last date, Brock said he wanted to talk about taking our relationship “to the next level.” He talked about becoming exclusive and spending more time together in preparation for eventually moving in together. He even hinted at possible marriage years in the future. I was pretty shocked, and not completely positively, like you would probably think.

Brock is incredibly hot, our sexual chemistry is amazing, we have fun whenever we get together, but honestly, I have never seen a lifelong future for us. In fact, I’ve had the thought that I will need to end our relationship at some point if I don’t want to end up wasting years just having fun and running out my clock to have a family. A big part of this is that I’ve always known I’m not the only woman he’s dating. This is a new thing for me and not something I ever could have imagined myself being okay with. It still makes me feel a bit sad and unequal, since even though I don’t think he’d object if I slept with other guys (or he’d at least realize he didn’t have a leg to stand on), I just haven’t had the desire to apart from making our relationship more “fair,” which would just seem like using the other guy.

But what really makes this feel crazy to me is… I don’t actually feel like I know Brock! Or that he really knows me, at least not the way I always felt like people should know each other in a potentially long-term relationship. I know where he currently works and I’ve met a couple of his male friends, but that’s it. I know what his main hobbies are, and he knows mine, but because there’s no overlap, we don’t talk much about those things. His apartment is very minimalist, with no purely decorative or sentimental items that might give clues. I know the state and city he grew up in but he rarely talks about his childhood. He’s never mentioned siblings but I don’t know for sure that he’s an only child either. He’s mentioned living with both parents as a kid but I don’t know if they’re still together or not, what they do/did for careers, or even if they’re still alive. I know where he went to college but he doesn’t talk much about his time there. I don’t know how long he’s been at his job or what jobs he’s had before. I don’t know how many people he’s been with romantically (my gut feeling is a lot, but that’s all it is), if he’s had any serious relationships, how long they lasted or what they were like. I know his basic political alignment but none of his deeper thoughts about the world, life and so on. I don’t know anything about his inner life or emotions beyond what I’ve guessed from external evidence, which could be completely off-base. I do know a lot about his tastes in movies, music, food and beverages because so much of our time together revolves around that, but that seems like a pretty shallow basis for a relationship.

I had accepted that this was just what our relationship was. Realizing this, I now see how I always subconsciously felt that because Brock was “above” me financially and attractiveness-wise, he was the one with the right to set these terms. (Not that I’m unattractive, just that guys who have what he has to offer are a lot rarer and in higher demand than women who have what I do.) I had never considered that he might see it as just a stage on the way to a deeper relationship. Every other guy I’ve been with (including the one I was most deeply in love with, and actually planning to move in with, when he was a random victim of a mass shooter) we basically shared our whole life stories over our first few dates and conversations. So, I guess my main question is, how do you transition from a more surface-level relationship to a deeper one, when you’ve only previously experienced relationships that were deep from the beginning?

When I try to imagine asking Brock all these questions, it just feels like an awkward interrogation on my part, something I don’t really have the right to and he would just be humoring to whatever extent he sees fit. I have this weird fear that even if he answered all the questions I asked, he wouldn’t have any questions about me in return. Which brings up the fact that I would have happily shared all these things about myself with Brock at any time if he’d just asked, or even seemed interested. Basically, it feels like the reason I don’t really know him is because he’s chosen to keep himself private, while the reason he doesn’t really know me is that he’s never seemed to care what’s beneath the surface or beyond the present moment. Even the one time I let slip that if I seemed depressed, it was because the anniversary of the shooting that took my previous boyfriend’s life was coming up, he expressed basic sympathy but didn’t ask any further questions. Does it make any sense to be bothered by this?

The same way our level of connection has been all Brock’s choice, taking it to the next level is also his choice. I feel like I would just be going passively along with a relationship where he dictates all the terms. And because he will always make more money than me, this seems like it could easily set the pattern for our whole lives together. This is not what I want at all, and I’m panicking a little at how I even got here, when that’s never been what I’ve wanted.

I told Brock I needed some time to think, which he took really well. But I’m at the point where even that seems like a bad sign, like if it really mattered to him, he would have seemed at least a little upset or sad when I wasn’t totally enthusiastic. He hasn’t called or texted me for the past three nights since we had this conversation. Is he just giving me space to figure out my response, or does he not care what that response is? What should it be? How bad an idea would it be to just send a copy of this message to him, even though it’s about 100 times the length of any message we’ve exchanged before? Or how likely is it that, if he’s just decided it’s time to “settle down” or whatever, he’s already moving on to that with his next-favorite girlfriend, and I should just take this opportunity to make a graceful exit while I still have good memories?

Struggling in the Shallows

There’s a refrain that I hit a lot in this column, one that’s come up multiple times even in the last couple weeks: you have to be an active participant in your own life. This includes your relationships. And if I’m being perfectly honest, SITS: it seems like everything you’re describing is something that could’ve been addressed by your being an active participant in the relationship.

The issue I’m seeing is that the reason why you know very little about your boyfriend’s life or interiority is… you never really asked. And if I’m being honest, I’m not sure why you haven’t. It feels like everything has happened because Brock just did his thing and you went along with it because… well, because, and that includes how much or little you know about one another.

Brock doesn’t sound like he’s a particularly private or closed off person, nor that he would resist your trying to get to know him better.

Now it certainly could be that Brock is self-centered, but it’s also possible that he doesn’t realize he’s never shared much about himself or asked about you. This isn’t necessarily a sign of a lack of interest, really, so much as just the way quantity of speech can mask its relative lack of meaningful content. It’s entirely possible to feel like you know someone because you talk all the time… but not realize that what you talk about is all surface level stuff. And since things have been rolling along without complaint, I can see how he might just assume that everything’s fine. After all, if there were something you wanted to know or thought it were important for him to know, you’d tell him, right?

But this brings up the question of why you’re choosing to let him set the terms unilaterally and not advocating for your own wants or needs. Don’t get me wrong, I fully understand not wanting to rock the boat or feeling like it’s a “take it or leave it” situation, especially if one is coming from a scarcity mindset or low self-esteem, but it doesn’t seem like that’s where you’re coming from. Nor does this feel like a relationship that you feel like you need to hang onto. So I’m not entirely sure why you chose to just go along to get along, when it doesn’t really seem like there was a huge barrier to speaking up.

I wonder if the real issue is whether you care or not – about the relationship, about Brock or whether you even want to stay together. For real: can you tell me what you like about Brock besides his looks and the sex? If you were to be bluntly, brutally honest with yourself: are you bothered by the fact that you don’t know much about one another, or are you bothered more by the feeling that you should care? Do you want to know more about him? Are you truly curious and want to know more about what makes him tick as a person? Or did you only realize that you didn’t, and so now you can’t not see the empty spaces?

Is it possible that this relationship has been on autopilot because you aren’t that invested in it in the first place?

I’m being serious here: if Brock were to turn around tomorrow and tell you that he wants to end things, would that actually upset you beyond the disruption in your current status quo? Would you feel the pang of loss that he, specifically, doesn’t want to be a part of your life any longer? Or would it be more a question of “well shit, now I have to go back to being single again”? That desire to not be single, to have A Relationship is something that people cling to; is that what’s motivated you to just passively accept whatever he wanted this relationship to be?

Maybe the initial appeal was the novelty of a guy who’s apparently just hotter and better off than previous partners – but without any real substance to create the foundation of the relationship, you’ve been willing to coast along because why not?

Or – to bring up the uncomfortable elephant in the room – is it possible that this is an ongoing reaction to the tragic and senseless loss of your last boyfriend? I don’t know what sort of work you’ve done to heal the hurt and trauma of what happened, and I don’t want to diminish it but… is it possible that your relationship with Brock is an opportunity to be numb and not care about someone for a while? To just have a physical presence in your life without the need to invest emotionally in them?  

I think the best thing for you would be to ask yourself whether you honestly and truly care about the outcome of this relationship. There’s nothing stopping you from pointing out that you and Brock know very little about each other and asking questions about his thoughts on life, the universe and everything, if that’s what you really want. You could even say “hey, if we’re going to get more serious, we should actually know each other,” and take turns asking those 36 Questions To Fall In love.

But that’s presuming you actually want this relationship. If you’re ambivalent or just really don’t care, I think it’s the better choice to just let this be the point where it ends and you can find a relationship where you’re more motivated to have a partner rather than just trailing along with someone for a while.  

Good luck.

So this is a bit of a tough one I’ve been stewing over for a while. This girl and I met working at the same remote resort. For the first few weeks we knew each other things honestly seemed amazing. She seemed genuinely excited to see me, went out of her way to hang out, and reacted positively to my interest in her, making her interest as obvious as she could without just sitting in my lap. Then I wound up doing what I usually do and got in my own way. 

I don’t handle emotions very well and I tend to have a lot of shame around sex that I’ve spent years working on. As a result, I was largely oblivious to her advances at the time, and regrettably negative enough to be off-putting. For context, I worked overnights as a night auditor and she was a barista at the same hotel, and as a remote resort we lived in the same employee housing complex. One night, after getting fed up with my negativity, she decides to go out and hook up with another guy. (We were never even really dating, basically just flirting and sometimes hanging out.) So, she decided the best place to bang him would be to walk him up to the hotel at 2am while I was working but all of the guests were gone. I foolishly said they could use the bathroom, again being oblivious as to what was going on until it was too late, and after she got done banging him, she marched out the door past me and asked if I wanted to be alone. 

Once I realized what just happened, well, I didn’t exactly react well. Over the next few weeks, she basically ignored me and any attempts I made at hanging out again or talking, and I increasingly didn’t know what to do. We still had to see each other at work and I was emotionally spent, because here was a girl that was excited to see me rather deliberately and pointedly rejecting me in the most hurtful way she could have managed. Eventually, I gave up and started ignoring her back. I don’t think that’s something she expected because she seemed surprised that I would basically treat her as nonexistent when she was in the same room, and I think she might have started to realize she fucked up too because I overheard her talking to a coworker about how cold I was being. I guess what I’m asking is did I overreact to what she did, and did I let my own emotional hangups and negativity ruin what might have been a great relationship when all the signs to what she wanted to do were there, but I couldn’t see them clearly in front of me?

Am I The Asshole?

I am going to preface this by saying that people don’t need reasons to feel what they feel and that you can’t just make feelings go away because they’re not reasonable, fair or warranted…

…but seriously dude, you’re upset at her for really stupid and self-inflicted reasons. This is the textbook definition of “Oh look, it’s the consequences of my own choices,” and you’re getting upset at someone when I suspect the real issue is that you’re upset at yourself. You made the decision not to shoot your shot in the face of what seems to be pretty strong positive encouragement and now you’re feeling regret and understanding why hindsight is 20/20.  

Was her interest real, or was it dickful thinking? It’s impossible to say for sure now, because you chose not only to not act but to apparently actively push in the opposite direction. While we will never know if there truly was an opportunity for you and her or not, ensured that the ultimate answer is “no” as you closed the door on the possibility but good.  

And hey, I get it. I carried around a lot of defensiveness in my bad old days about being undatable, and it lead to a lot of poor decisions. I have had times when I thought someone’s flirting with me was bad comedy (… Starscream), and I reacted poorly. To this day, I will never know if she was being sincere, gently teasing or not, because I took it as given that actual interest was impossible and I thought I was being mocked. So I’ve been there and done that and I understand that feeling better than most.

And that understanding is why I’m telling you that yes, you absolutely overreacted and that what you’re feeling is misdirected. You’re upset at her because you wanted to say yes and didn’t. In fact, apparently you pushed back in such a way that, while I don’t think she was banging a guy at you, I think it’s possible that she was willing to be a little petty and unconcerned about being discreet. After all, you made it clear that you didn’t care so why should she?

The problem is: you’re being cold to her for what are ultimately your choices. That’s the part you should be more concerned about, because that part is unfair of you. And yes, while it’s hard to be rational about fairness when you’re feeling that profound sting, it’s still something you should be concerned with. That’s the sort of behavior and rationalizing that, if left unchecked, can fester and curdle your soul. It’s the sort of pain that gets turned outward if it’s not addressed and makes it easier to rationalize other, more negative thoughts and feelings.

Now I know this sounds judge-y, but I want to point out that you’re self-aware enough to realize that your reaction is unreasonable and unhelpful and that’s good. But just being aware of it isn’t really going to change things for you; it should be paired with action that helps move you in a more positive direction. So, here’s my suggestion for you: first, I suggest you go to your friend and say “hey, I’d like to apologize for the way I’ve been acting around you lately. I’ve been dealing with some unpleasant feelings that are entirely about my own issues, and I’ve been taking them out on you. That’s not fair or kind of me and I’m truly sorry.”

Leave it at that: you don’t need to make it about you and her, and she doesn’t really need to know the details. Apologize, make it clear you understand why you were being cold to her and that it’s your issue not hers, and then do your best to go back to being friendlier with her. There’re no guarantees that this is going to fix things between you ­– and to be clear, you’re not likely to going to get another chance – but it’s important to offer the apology and to change your behavior accordingly. That’s going to be an important step towards not letting bitterness or resentment take hold in you.

Then my next suggestion is: do more of the work of getting better with your emotions and addressing your sense of shame. It’s pretty clear that you’re still carrying around some hurt and blockage, and it’s leaking out in places. If you’re not currently working with a therapist, I’d recommend starting. I suspect you would benefit from some cognitive behavioral therapy and emotional regulation therapy; these can go a long way to help you deal with the triggers and displaced feelings you’ve been experiencing.

My third suggestion is going to seem like the hardest and make the least sense considering what I just wrote: don’t be too down on yourself about this. Yeah, you were a little out of pocket and not behaving in alignment with your best self, and I’m sure you’re feeling shame about it. But here’s the thing: this isn’t definitional, it’s not permanent and it doesn’t make you a bad person. It makes you a person who hurts and isn’t sure what to do with that hurt and that’s ok. The important part is that this is something you can work on, and that doing that work will make your life better. You can learn from this and make improvements, so that next time, you can handle pain or disappointment in a more productive and positive manner. And plus, the next time someone is doing everything but dropping into your lap and starting to wiggle, you’ll be in a better position to recognize it and respond in a way that’s far more appropriate… and may also get you laid in the process.

Good luck.