Estimated reading time: 13 minutes

Dear Dr. NerdLove:

My wife and I have been together for 13 years (married for 3). Over the past 1.5 – 2 years, I noticed certain things like intimacy were severely lacking in the relationship (ie, absent). I asked her if there was anything ai could do to help with it and she said she would work on it herself. 

Fast forward to late last year and I started becoming friends with a couple of my coworkers, who are also females around our age. The friendship with one of them, Katie (not her real name), seemed to be accelerated after we were both sent to urgent care after being injured at work. We became quite close over the first few months of this year and said that we were keeping things platonic because I was married and she just wanted a male best friend. 

I noticed that she started talking to me more shortly after I helped her with some issues she was having with a FWB. Part of me wondered if I was a rebound friend for her or if the friendship was genuine. Well, near the end of April, I said something outside of work I shouldn’t have which made her go from bestie to someone I happen to work with overnight. The next 1.5 months were a slow rebuilding of that friendship through giving each other space. Eventually we felt like we had built the friendship stronger than before. Around the time this falling out with Katie happened, I was also dealing with some adverse effects from a new anxiety medication and depression. 

Part of me wonders if I let my friendship with Katie get so close and so strong (both times) because it was in essence a rebound of my own from not getting the attention, emotional connection, and some level of intimacy (nothing beyond a hug physically) that I wasn’t getting from my wife (basically filling a void) or if it was because I genuinely enjoyed being around Katie and valued her as a person. 

Over the past couple months, things with my wife got worse. It got to the point where she told me to quit my job and stop talking to Katie because in her mind, they were the cause of my depression (even though I know it was mostly my wife’s actions and medication side effects that were causing it). Katie had been a great source of support for me as I was dealing with my depression. I recently announced my intent to divorce my wife and Katie has been acting the same as she did in April/May, basically going from bestie to someone who happens to work in the same building as me. I can’t help but wonder if she thought I was using her as a rebound and only started the divorce so I could eventually be with her (we had both told each other we had developed feelings earlier in the summer but we weren’t going to act on them). I even told her a month ago that my decision to divorce would only be made to improve my mental health and happiness, not to be with her. I still can’t help feeling like she thinks I’m trying to act on those feelings I once had (I haven’t had them since April and maybe briefly in July). 

Since the first round back in April/May was due to feelings we shouldn’t have had for each other (I essentially acknowledged them for her which triggered her and made her pull back), I am wondering if she might be doing the same thing again. Hearing my decision to divorce my wife opens up the possibility for her to act one those feelings she claims she doesn’t have which scares her for some reason so she’s pulling back again. I keep telling myself that I had started getting comfortable with the decision to divorce my wife for the past 2 months and that I am doing it because it will improve my mental health. And my mental health has actually improved when I am at home now (staying at a friend’s house) because I’m not dealing with my wife’s controlling and toxic behavior anymore. There is still a part of me wondering if I have been talking to Katie and hanging out with her more over the past few months because I am using her as a rebound or if it is because I truly care about her as a friend (and nothing more) and I value the friendship we built and rebuilt. Her sudden change in behavior has been a major source of confusion and anxiety and I don’t know why she’s acting that way. I thought we had gotten past this type of behavior during the rebuild. 

Side note: she is moving sometime next year and I am the type of person who wants to spend as much time as I can with someone in the time that I have left with them. 

Am I in a rebound friendship with Katie or is this really the rare platonic friendship I want it to be?

On The Re-Rebound

I’m going to be honest, OTRR, I think you’re making this far more complicated than it actually is. This is understandable; you’re emotionally invested in this relationship on a meta-level (that is: questions about the nature of the relationship, what it says about your relationship with your soon-to-be-ex wife, is this a real relationship), just as you’re invested in Katie herself. And while worrying that this relationship is a mistake or that you’re misinterpreting things is understandable, you’re creating a false binary for yourself and treating this as an either-or situation when it isn’t.

First, let’s talk rebounds. Personally, I think people get way too worked up about whether something is a rebound or not. The problem is that there really isn’t a good definition of “rebound” that isn’t equally applicable to times when you get out over your skis because you’re excited about someone. A lot of relationships get labeled as “rebounds” because they happen within an arbitrary amount of time after the previous one ended and then didn’t work out and is thus it’s not just a relationship that didn’t work but one that was doomed, by definition. The implication is that this is somehow worse than a garden-variety “this isn’t working out” – whether because people got their hopes up or because the relationship didn’t last until one or all participants died in the saddle.

I’m bringing this up, partially because I don’t think what you’re describing with Katie is a “rebound”, but there’s also the implication that a relationship that forms because you have a need that’s not being met elsewhere is inherently bad. It’s a little like saying that it’s bad to go out to eat a burger when you’re hungry and you don’t have food at home. Yeah, you could go to the grocery store, buy dinner fixings and cook… but that’s all a lot easier when you’re not starving while you’re doing it.

Friendships and relationships form for any number of reasons – whether because of shared interests, shared experiences, an emotional need that isn’t going fulfilled or even just straight proximity – and those are entirely valid. A friendship isn’t more or less legitimate if it formed in response to outside pressures; that’s just texture and detail, not a referendum on its genuineness or authenticity. A relationship that is only based on meeting a need isn’t likely to last, but a relationship’s value or acceptability isn’t predicated on its duration. Just as not every love story is meant to be an epic poem, not every friendship is meant to be forever. Some are just for now and then end when they’re not needed and that’s ok.

When you and Katie were becoming close, you were feeling a lack in your life – in this case the intimacy with your wife ­– and finding something that helped ease that lack in Katie. Katie, likewise, was having issues with an FWB. This was a moment when two people could really use a friend and a sympathetic ear and oh look, you both fit that description for the other. That’s not being on the rebound, that’s just two people seeking out understanding and sympathy. This was further cemented when you two had the intense experience of being injured at work and having to go to urgent care – another situation that is known to create bonds between people. Much like soldiers in war time or folks working together in dire circumstances, that sense of “this is something we experienced together and so we understand each other better than other people might” is powerful. Even if you wouldn’t be friends in other circumstances, that specific shared experience creates a bond that you can only have with them.

So, while yes, you were getting something from Katie that you weren’t getting from your wife (care, emotional intimacy, sympathy, someone to talk to who wasn’t your wife and thus someone you could talk to about your problems), that doesn’t mean that you didn’t also like Katie as a person or value her friendship. The two aren’t mutually exclusive; if anything, they complement one another. After all, you weren’t likely to be getting either emotional fulfillment or a sense of companionship and intimacy from someone you didn’t like. The fact that you were getting something out of this doesn’t make it inherently selfish or devalues the friendship; we become friends with people because of what we get from them. The key is that it’s mutual; what Katie gets from you is a roughly equivalent exchange for what you get from her. If it were entirely one-sided and Katie was just a sounding board and sympathetic shoulder for you, while you did nothing for her, then that would be selfish and unhealthy. Instead, it sounds like the two of you were roughly equal partners in the friendship, which is a good thing.

Now that doesn’t mean that things can’t be messy or that lines can’t get blurry. Clearly there were some moments of strife, like when you said something that nearly derailed your friendship for good. There also clearly is some emotional bleed-through, where mutual attraction met emotional intimacy and you both started feeling less-platonically towards one another. That too isn’t automatically unhealthy; what makes it unhealthy is how one or both of you handle those feelings. Being aware of them, acknowledging them and deciding together what you were going to do about them is, in fact, pretty emotionally mature and sensible.

You’re also creating another false dichotomy when you try to make a line between your choosing to get divorced and how much your relationship with Katie factored into that decision. I think it’s absurd to think that it didn’t factor in to why you ultimately decided to leave… but that’s not the same as being the reason you made that choice. Many times, we often finally make a decision we’ve been avoiding making because of the presence and influence of other people in our lives. Having someone who is giving reassurance and comfort and emotional support makes it easier to make a tough decision; that doesn’t mean that they’re in some way responsible or the reason you made that decision.

But just as importantly, the possibility that you may have chosen to initiate your divorce because of feelings for Katie doesn’t make that decision a bad one, either. A good decision doesn’t become a bad one because the motivation behind it wasn’t as pure as the driven snow or might have been influenced by hope. Many people only find the strength to leave a bad situation because someone else in their life gives them a reason to. That reason may be direct – “Carl, I’m leaving you because I’ve fallen in love with Louis” – or indirect by giving them hope and taking away their fear that they’ll be alone forever if they end it. That doesn’t taint the decision or make it less legitimate; it just made it possible for them to finally pull the trigger.

I think that if you were to really ask yourself, you would agree that your divorce needed to happen, regardless of what motivated you to actually serve papers. The fact that you did what needed to be done is far more important than worrying about whether the reason for it was “good enough”.

And now having said all that, I do want to point out what you and Katie are doing wrong here: you’re not really communicating with one another about things. Worse, you’re making a lot of assumptions and doing a lot of mind-reading about what she’s thinking or feeling and treating those answers as being definitive instead of being a guess. Possibly an educated guess, but still a guess. There’s only one person who really knows what’s going on in her head and that’s Katie, and she’s the person you should be asking, not me.

Because here’s the thing: you two clearly care for each other. It may or may not be A (Platonic) Love That Will Last The Ages, but you are both important to each other now, and that counts for a lot. You have talked about a lot of important and intimate issues in each other’s lives; this is one more thing that’s worth talking about instead of blindly reacting out of anxiety. After all, if she is going to be moving away, wouldn’t you rather spend the time you have left as friends, rather than with this nebulous anxiety hanging over your heads? How bad would it feel if you found out that you lost weeks or months of time because it turns out she was feeling pressure at work and had to lock in and you thought it was a rejection or abandonment?

Now, it’s certainly possible that she’s having a reaction to your leaving your wife. It’s possible that she’s afraid that you did it so that you could clear the deck to be with her; that might feel like a lot of pressure, or it might feel like she’s somehow responsible, or she might worry that you did this when she doesn’t feel the same way. Neither you nor I can really know for sure; only Katie does. So ask her.

I think the best thing you can do is just find a moment to say “hey, I feel like we’ve been distant lately and I wanted to check in with you. Is everything ok?” Please note very carefully that I didn’t suggest leading with “are you pulling back?” or “is this because I’m leaving my wife?”; we don’t know if that’s what’s going on, and there’s no benefit to planting that seed if it wasn’t there already. You’re just expressing concern that things feel a little strained and you see what’s up, if anything is.

After you make that bid for connection, the ball is in her court. Let her take it from there; she may need a minute to figure out her own feelings, she may need time to find the right words, she may even need to summon the courage to say what she’s afraid of. Giving her the space to respond in her way and in her time is an act of confidence and trust, and one that would be more appreciated than pushing or jumping to the conclusion that something’s wrong.

Don’t borrow trouble from the future, especially a future that may not ever come to pass, and don’t invent trouble where there isn’t any. The anxiety is awful, I know, but you need to remember that anxiety is just your brain trying to protect you from the possibility of danger. That doesn’t make the danger real, especially when the danger is an extension of what you’re already worried about. You and Katie are friends. You’ve built up a connection and a lot of trust, so rely on that trust, especially if she hasn’t given you reason not to trust her.

Ask her what’s up, and sooner, rather than later. If it’s the worst-case scenario, then it’s better to get things over with and at least have the relief of certainty instead of the anxiety of “what if”, when everything could be on the table. But I suspect that the reality is that you are both responding to what you’re imagining, not what’s actually happening. Talking things through is the best way to get back on the same page, reassure one another and reaffirm that yes, this friendship is meaningful and important to you both… regardless of how it started or why.

Good luck.